Thursday 29 August 2013

From 'should' to 'could'

How can a simple change in the way you talk to yourself result in a calmer, happier, you?


A word that I hear a lot in, and out of, the coaching room is 'should'. Whilst there's a time and place for 'should' - I should look left and right before crossing the road, for example, it's sometimes used in a way that doesn't serve us well.

So what's unhelpful about one little word like 'should'?

For me, it's often my way of telling myself all the things I need to do. Look at these three statements:

I should clean the house before my parents arrive

I should finish this piece of work before I go to lunch

I should be better at this task by now

What do you notice about them? My first observation is how stressed I feel when I read them. On further reflection I realise they are all presented as fact. There is no choice or possibility in these statements. And sometimes if I am working against a deadline, or incentivising myself to get that sub 30 minute time in the 5K Park Run, that might be useful. But sometimes what 'should' does is close the door to possibility.

Look at these three slightly different phrases:

I could clean the house thoroughly before my parents arrive

I could finish this piece of work before I go for lunch

I could be better at this by now

So what's going on now?

I notice that's it's a lot easier to put the word 'or' after a 'could' sentence. Which opens up possibility.

I could clean the house before my parents arrive, or I could sit down and relax so I'm in a better mood to welcome them (and my mother always finds washing up to do anyway, even if I'm convinced there is nothing to clean.)

I could get this piece of work done by lunch, or I could do that other piece of work, or I could go and chat to my colleague because that's going to make this afternoon's meeting run much more smoothly. (I am giving myself control of my working day.)

I could be better at this task by now, so what happened? Did other things get in the way? Could I use more support? What lessons can I learn? Is this task even still relevant to me? (Could is encouraging me to work out what's really going on.)

I'm not saying either of these are the wrong or right choices, simply that you have a choice.

Should seems to be a way we put undue pressure on ourselves. I should be thin/popular/the best at my job. I should never make mistakes.

Even if we are pretty successful at achieving those things, there will be the odd day we eat our own body weight in doughnuts/someone gets cross with us/we mess up at work, and the more our mind has convinced us of what or whom we 'should' be, the more painful those days are going to feel.

What can you do to notice when you use 'should'? 

I find that 'shoulds' come in waterfalls, once one leaks out, a torrent normally follows. For me this is when I'm feeling under the weather, or when I have too much on or when I'm under pressure.

Next time you feel a waterfall of 'shoulds' welling up, let it happen.  Take a pen and some paper and write them all down. Then take a deep breath, maybe take the piece of paper into a different space, a new room of the house or office, and reflect on each of the statements. Which do you want to turn into statements of possibility or choice? Re-write those sentences and practice saying them out loud, or even to an understanding friend.

Practice noticing when an unhelpful 'should' leaks out. What else could you do with it, to turn it into something that's working for you, not against you.

Do let me know how you get on,

With love
Jen

Seeing as we're on the subject, I couldn't resist this picture of a waterfall near Chang Mai in Thailand, I hope you like it!

If you'd like to find out more about how working with a coach could help you be the person you want to be, and achieve what you want to achieve, email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com  and if I'm not the coach for you, I have a network of talented associates I can put you in touch with.
 
 
 


Jennifer McCanna, Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach

Thursday 8 August 2013

Because you're worth it!


 
What happens when we really pay attention to ourselves, and stop expecting others to pay attention for us?
 
I recently attended a truly inspirational three-day workshop led by Dr Robert Holden entitled Loveability. Loveability is "about letting the love that is your true nature teach you how to love and be loved"*

It was a practical and inspiring three days and, as well as meeting many interesting people, and lying in Hyde park having a picnic lunch every day, we explored some practical tools, and interesting concepts, through the universal theme of love.

One of my favourite insights was around what happens when we feel wanting in some way. If, for example, we feel out of sorts, we may decide it's because we haven't had enough attention from our partner, our friends or our family. However, it could instead be a sign that we haven't paid enough attention to ourselves recently.

Here's an example from my life: My partner is always saying to me "do less, chill out more" and  I tend to stop momentarily, nod sagely and say " yes, darling, you're completely right" then proceed to rush around attending every social occasion, organising everything and everyone in sight. I've then been known to collapse on the sofa at the end of the week and say "you don't pay me enough attention". He sighs and turns off the episode of "Pointless" he's been watching and asks me how my week was.

If, however, I catch myself in time, and am in a self- aware frame of mind, I can ask myself "do I need attention from someone else or do I need it from me?"

"Do I need to see evidence of love and regard externally or can I seek it from myself?"

And if I make that choice to pay myself some attention, what does that look like? For me, part of loving myself is noticing those self- critical thoughts. Not necessarily doing anything with them, just noticing that they are there and seeing them for what they are, and loving myself anyway.

For you, paying attention and loving yourself might be mean something completely different.

Noticing what is going on in our heads helps us change how we experience the world and how we show up to others.

If you're tempted, you could practice noticing when you'd like some love and attention.

Ask yourself "do I want to seek love and attention from someone else today, or do I want it from myself"

And what does giving yourself love and attention even look like?

To borrow a question or two from Lizzie Prior, a wonderful friend and gifted coach: if you knew that you were 100% loved and supported, what would be different?
 What action could you take in the next three days to bring about more of this?

(Try and make this a practical action, that something that someone else will be able to see evidence of when you've done it.)

Receiving love from others feels good, but loving ourselves feels even better.

Do let me know how you get on.
 
Wishing you lots of love,

Jen

Taking in a nice view, or finding a peaceful spot helps give us space to notice what's going on in our heads, which is why I thought you'd like this photo of the beach at Criccieth in North Wales.

 *quote taken from Loveability by Robert Holden, published by Hay House UK Ltd, 2013.
Read more from Robert at
www.robertholden.org
Follow Lizzie on Facebook at Lizzie Prior - sacred rebellion

If you liked this blog, please feel free to share it with your friends. If you'd like to talk about how coaching can help you get what you want, please email me at jennifermccanna@gmail.com 
and if I'm not the right coach for you, I have several talented coaching associates I can put you touch with.

Jennifer McCanna
Professional Leadership Coach
Follow me on twitter @jenthecoach